heyyy pookies… so like i have a twitter ( i have like. 6 twts actually) and thats fine or whatever BUT i have so many things i want to say and post or ramble about and i always run into the problem of having either not enough characters so i make a 238 tweet long thread and feel really annoying OR i can't say the things i want to say OR i want to post something that nobody cares about and i feel really annoying BUT i need a place to put them that's public enough for me to look at it wherever I want but not so public that anyone searching for specific words or tags will find it and can judge me and let it spread like wildfire. Anyways. Nobody has to read, I just need a place to be silly and autistic and annoying to myself… carry on

Originally, I was planning on writing a whole review about the game POOLS (which… I think I will still do, soon), but I realized something about myself just now that I want to talk about a little bit more. 

I've been online since I started middle school, which was around the turn of the 2010s. While I could digress and write a novel about how bad that was for me and how bad it is for children that age and younger to be online for so many reasons, I think I've done enough of that when I was in university. Frankly, the topic depresses me. As it should, but I would much rather bring that up in a time where I'm able to contribute more to the conversation other than what is already known.

I mean, sure, you could argue that what I'm about to say isn't exactly revolutionary news, but I think compared to what we look at in youth and being online for all of, if not the majority of their lives, we often overlook this factor. I recently opened a new twitter account, solely dedicated to Xdinary Heroes, mostly because I wanted to make more friends, especially those who have the same interest(s) as I do. I'm no stranger to online fan spaces, I was a pretty big name in the early and mid 2010's on One Direction/5SOS fandoms, I was averaging around a thousand likes on my tweets when I was in the Game Grumps fandom (listen… I know. We all have our vices). And I was friends with and among the top people in the twitter community for ASTRO.

What's odd to me, though, is that I never have considered myself a content creator. That still rings true. I don't create content. I engage with it, sure! I partake in things! But create? I can barely create my own website for myself, you think I'm creating things for fandoms? Funny. Well, no, I suppose that's not wholly true, as I used to be very into writing fanfiction, and have recently rediscovered my love for doing so! But I don't think that earns me the title of content creator, which is a title I don't really want anyway. 

I say this, though, not to beg for pity in my failure of content creation, but rather to talk about the mindset it's put me in. One of my biggest pet peeves in all of those spaces was the creation of micro-celebrities in those spaces, and of course, that happened for a number of reasons, a lot of those very dependent on the subject matter. I was never at "micro-celebrity" status, but I was popular. Regardless, that level of interaction and instant gratification really put me in an odd mindset that I'm fighting even today.

I'm expecting for the world to flock to me to be my friend as if I am someone who's infamous online, in any space. Opening that new account, I had a few of my friends immediately follow me, not because of the subject matter of the account but solely because they're my friends and wanted to follow me. Now, don't get me wrong, this did not disappoint me in the slightest. I love my friends. But two things can be true at the same time. I can love my friends and be very grateful that they follow me in any space I carve out for myself, and I can also feel this odd negativity in my chest when I am, "nobody," if that makes any sense. I haven't kept in touch with any of the people I met in my previous spaces, which was largely on them. You'd think after my 100th unread message I would have got, well, the message. I digress.

I don't want to say that I feel like this solely because of the fact I've been online for almost my entire life, if not at least half. I don't think it's fair to say that, but I do think it played a large part. I think that's just how I'm wired. I expect instant friendship anywhere I go. Now, it's not that I think I deserve popularity and friendship in mass, quite the opposite actually. I don't deserve anyone I have in my life right now! Well, no, I do, but I'm learning to accept that. The point is, I don't see myself as someone who is deserving of celebrity status. I'm just a random person living in the mountains of Arizona, I am no different from any other person. I'm a person. I think it's more about the fact that I yearn for this sense of unconditional acceptance in any space I enter, because that's what I would offer. 

I dunno, I've been feeling really weird lately, especially about this. I've been ruminating, as my therapist likes to point out. I'm not really sure where this leaves me, either. Undoubtedly, there is a part of me, however small, that yearns to break free from this pattern and simply exist in the world without expecting to be noticed. Yet, there is also a part of me, that is almost uncontainable in size, that fears the reality in which I don't know how to function without that sense of praise, or at the very least, acknowledgement. 

I don't think it's wrong for me to want friends. Quite the opposite, actually. I've grown so much that I desire to be a part of spaces and have friends again. I'm just not sure how to go about it, I suppose. It's something that bleeds into my life, especially online. I used to consider myself an introvert, but really, I was just terrified with anxiety. I'm quite the extrovert, actually. And so, in my mind, it should be easy for me to make friends, especially if I make the first move, no? But then, I think I have to boil down the fact that I have long since blurred the line of strangers and friendship, especially online. 

That isn't to say that the friends I have now are not my friends. The people I call my friends are people who I've known for over a year, who know my deepest darkest secrets. People I've spent time with, who I'm comfortable spending time with. It doesn't really make the most sense for me to become a mutual with someone and consider them my friend. Yet, on some level I do. Could that be the issue? I dunno. I wouldn't consider someone I met yesterday to be my friend, at least nowhere near the same way I would look at someone I've known a year or two and consider them a friend, or a best friend. (One day I'll write about that idea, too). 

Sigh. I don't know. I'm not discontent with what I have. I am beyond grateful. And still, I yearn for a little more. Maybe it's that I'm yearning for the past more than I am for something new. I think the answer to my problem (though, I really don't want to consider this a problem I'm having… dealing with my life right now is enough of a problem already) isn't that I need to get comfortable with the idea of being strangers or acquaintances with someone, but more so that I need to, desperately, learn to be okay existing on my own in spaces filled with others. And should other people gravitate to me naturally, all the better. But to go into a new space and expect it feels unrealistic. Funny, I say that, but I have the hardest time accepting it for myself. I dunno. What I do know, because it seems like I don't know anything lately, is that my writer's block is gone, I'm back to writing fanfiction (angst, at that!!) and I'm really proud of my writing, and I'm excited to share it. What I'm less confident in is being okay with knowing that it won't be world renowned the second I let it into the universe. I don't think it's going to stop me, or I will try not to let it. How odd it is to be so adamant about wanting a space for myself online then being upset that I am the only one there. It makes you wonder if I really want a space for myself or if I want a space where I'm the center of attention… now THAT is a question for my therapist to help me answer! 

Sigh. As I've said over and over again, I dunno! And perhaps if I keep saying that it's okay for me not to know, then maybe I'll believe it. For now, I will go back to opening a tumblr for me to post my fanfictions and I will get started on writing my review of POOLS because it's the best 10 dollars I've ever spent, honestly. Take care of yourselves. Happy pride month. 

I've been spending a lot of time the last few days realizing that it's almost been a full year since I was hospitalized. Somewhere in my drafts exists a retelling of those days that I plan on releasing on the actual anniversaries, but it's hard for me to spend a lot of time re-living that kind of trauma.

Still, it's really interesting to me that I could come so far in such a short amount of time. A year ago today I was genuinely convinced that stepping outside would mean certain death, and today, I went out and walked around the grocery store in four-inch-tall platform sandals. I went and got boba. A fun sidenote about that too - I usually get drinks with no ice because I don't like ice or really cold drinks, and I asked for no ice in my drink and the sweet guy working there was like, "I had to put ice in it for it to mix but here's an extra cup of tea," and like, on the one hand, I'm so super grateful and taken aback at how kind people back be, but ALSO!! He doesn't realize that by giving me that, he kick-started my thought processes. In the last few years, I was petrified of simply existing in public, and now I'm here, drinking milk tea and feeling no anxiety whatsoever. (Though, I do fear that the lactose intolerance that lives within my body will soon catch up to me).

Anyway, I feel like I could go on forever and ever about what I feel and how things have panned out for me, especially considering that last week I experienced some not-so-nice things that put me in a really negative mind space. I owe a lot of my change to being medicated, but I can also admit that it wouldn't have happened without some desire of my own to change. There are just moments like this where I am so appreciative of the friends I have in my life, the things I'm so fortunate to experience, the happiness I've been able to get back. I am so full of mango milk tea and love. How lucky I am to have healed enough to experience this.